Ken was last seen around election time, or rather, that was when he was last supposed to have been seen. He is a shy man, forthcoming only when he steals ideas from other local politicians. He was elected as Conservative councillor for Moseley, but the shock of this is believed to have driven him over the edge. He was last seen driving a “Batmobile” style car towards Kingstanding, his home, and was believed to be driving extremely fast. This would have to be the case if he seriously expects to be able to travel between Moseley and Kingstanding in 12 minutes. Ken is easily frightened and if you see him you should lure him out from under whatever rock he’s hiding under by dangling a picture of a “Martin Mullaney” in front of him. Although timid, he feeds on the Mullaney, and it should do the trick. Once captured, he should be beaten with an iron bar until he promises to stop fucking up the 50 bus route. He can then be re-released.
I’m back. Did you miss me? No? I didn’t think so. If it’s any consolation I haven’t missed you either. But now that Big Brother’s finished, I’ve got nothing to talk about with people anymore. Nothing to distract my mind from those odd feelings. So they begin to rise. They bubble up from my deepest sub-conscious, thickly gassy and noxious thoughts, rising through layers of consciousness, until the pressure builds and the thin meniscus between my private mental torment and the daily hell of my reality is broken. And so, since umm.. thingy won Big Brother, I’ve been having my little moments again. You know the ones I mean. The moments when, whilst staring longingly into the eyes of a loved one, you suddenly find that you are face to face with the crumpled visage of your dying grandfather, hissing out his last, vile, sibilant gasps. Or the moments when you sit down, laughing and joking, with your beautiful family to eat a lovingly prepared meal. And then things go hazy… and you find yourself sitting at the table , alone and cold, your meal uneaten and from upstairs you can hear your children crying. We’ve all had them, and we know where they lead if you don’t find a vent for these sort of feelings. King’s Heath. Not the King’s Heath up the road however, but a King’s Heath of the mind. A spiritual and mental King’s Heath from which there is no metaphorical “Number 50” bus to escape […]
Prominent xenobiologist, Professor Michael Hawes, shocked Moseley today with the announcement that there could indeed by intelligent life outside Moseley. In what could be a career-threatening move, Professor Howes has published a paper in the Moseley Journal of Xenobiology and Other Strangeness which speculates that there is sentient life as near as Kings Heath and Acocks Green. The theory comes in light of new evidence suggesting that the 50 bus actually travels in a more linear fashion than was first thought. For years, experts have argued over the seemingly circular orbit of this horse road bound phenomenon, with the current paradigm suggesting a vortex in the nether region of the house of death that automatically returns the 50 bus whence it came, albeit with a different driver and as often as not, completely different passengers on board. A similar process takes place at the Dance Centre which isn’t actually in Moseley. This school of thought, known as “Mullaneyism” is popular with the scientific community. In his paper, he suggests that the 50 bus actually goes to what he calls “a terminus” located somewhere near a place he calls “Druids Heath”. It then turns around and comes once again through Moseley (having passed through a number of other unspeakable places) before arriving at another of these so called “terminus” places. The unbelievable explanation he has for the change of passengers on board the 50 bus (get this) is that, they are “…people, not unlike us, from a ward not known to […]