Worrying allegations of shady electoral practices abound round Moseley with the recent announcement that The Village serves the finest food “in the area”. Anyone who has ever eaten there would be shocked to their very marrow by this, clearly, baseless allegation. It now appears that the award is based on a voting system that is unrecognisable to all keen fans of democracy in all its various forms.

The system, devised by the landlord of The Village, canvassed patrons of the front bar in order to find who they thought provided the best food “in the area”. The landlord told us “obviously we threw away any votes for places like Bistro Lyonaise or K2. They serve foreign shit. It was amazing the response we had and as a mark of gratitude I gave a free pint to anyone who voted for us.”

At the end of the day lovers of fine food recognise the significant scientific endeavours that have gone into making The Village’s unique menu. Whereas most pubs and restaurants rely on outdated cooking methods such as the convection system, The Village have embraced the 21st century and prepare all of their food using the power of radiation. The chef told us “most people will tell you it takes about an hour to cook a chicken curry but with our new system we have harnessed tiny waves of radiation to cook things in a fraction of the time. I like to call them Microwaves.”

The Village has been known for its challenging ideas ever since it made the bold move of turning itself from an original roomy drinking establishment into a tiny pub where you can have a nice fight. They are currently working on a new innovation that will hopefully increase the time it takes to get served quite dramatically through employing only one member of staff at very busy times.

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