We’ve all walked through the park on a sunny day, past the crowds of ganja smoking youngsters, and upon seeing a squirrel or bird thought “Aaaaah.”. Indeed most of us would probably think that having an abundance of animal and bird life would be a blessing,but wait…some regard these creatures with a much more critical and suspicious eye. Members of the Chantry Road Mafia and the Sandford Road Massive are tonight meeting to diuscuss the issue of non-payment of park subscription fees by wildlife.
A spokesperson explained : “Some would say that the birds and things have a inarguable right to be in the park, as it is their home, and we agree.We also believe that the park would not be the same place if we were forced to remove all wildlife.However, the park requires funds and these creatures are the greatest users of the park, and the only contingent of Moseley society allowed in “gratis”. They are also the ones who cause most damage and mess, and all the beasts in the park refuse to clean up their own excrement, even though bags are provided.
As a result, John the groundsman will be given the additional role of collecting subscriptions from all the inhabitants.” We questioned John the groundsman on whether or not this ruling would be enforceable and he said : “Absolutely yes. I have been working on a number of projects in my little shed, which will enable me to police the park in an effective manner. See here, I have created some natural gas powered bionic legs, which will enable me to keep up with any fee dodging rats or voles. And here I have created a cobweb powered jetpack, which will enable me to keep up with even the fastest squirrels and birds.”
We asked John how he planned on taking the money from hardened non-payers, who can be almost guaranteed to be without cash. He said : “If I find a fox or a jay that refuses to pay..ON ANY GROUNDS, I will take their tiny skulls and crush them between my thumb and forefinger. (at this point John became quite agitated and purple in the face, and removed his shirt). And as for squirrels, I will burn down their trees (shouting quite loud now, with an arterial vein pumping quite fast and visibly in the centre of his forehead) and stamp on their little baby squirrels and perform little squirrel hysterectomys, until they learn that IF YOU COME IN MY PARK YOU PAY YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN DUES.”
(At this point John threw over the table smashed a coffee cup on his own head and ran screaming into the park, wielding a large rake.)