In a bid to impress the world, West Midlands police have once again chosen Moseley for another of their innovative (some say bonkers) crime fighting strategies. On Sunday, they unveiled their latest weapon in the fight against drugs: Kiddie Coppers.
DCI Birch of the Moseley police force explained the rational behind using pre-school toddlers against hardened criminals to us on Monday at a press conference. “Your average drug fuelled loon is generally so surprised to be arrested by a couple of toddlers with a big vicious dog, they never smoke a crack ever again and their diminutive height means they can gain unhindered access to licensed premises.”

The toddlers were unveiled as part of the now famous police raid on the Goose pub in central Moseley on Sunday night. During the raid, the police deployed eighteen full sized coppers, two of the smaller ones and one big dog. Though some sections of the community have questioned the effectiveness of the raid which resulted in no arrests, DCI Birch went on to tell us, “This was an intelligence led operation. We found a tip off on a post-it note behind the radiator in the office. It clearly stated that a pub on Moseley High Street was involved in the wide scale distribution of narcotics. Subsequent investigations showed that the information had in fact been supplied almost two years ago.”

He went on to add, “Anyway I’ve just been on a course that challenged many of my preconceptions about drug dealers. Apparently, they don’t like to hang out in dingy back street boozers anymore. They are more attracted to bars that sell a wide selection of ales and wines from around the world, as well as reasonably priced food and that’s the Goose.” When asked if he considered this raid to be a failure he responded, “Well if knocking off at eight o’clock and getting home in time for a slap up dinner and Heartbeat is a failure, call the cops, I’m guilty as charged.”

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