Scenes reminiscent of Vietnam came to Moseley this week when a large group of confused Americans ended up in the wrong place, once more. Bedecked in Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts, these camera-toting freaks wandered round our tranquil country village on the hunt for Hampton Court. Bemused Moseley residents watched in disbelief as the tourists had there photo taken with Willy after a nameless japester pointed him out as William the Conqueror.

A more helpful resident, genuinely concerned for the well-being of our American cousins, pointed them in the direction of Palm Court, but the tourists were disappointed to see that it has since changed its name and is no longer associated with tropical plants.

Returning to the centre, the now angry Americans confronted Moseley denizens with post cards and guide books. “It was like a scene out of Platoon or something,” said cartoon-bodied, prostitute woman in an unusual outburst of clarity, “there was all these yanks everywhere and stuff, I was scared.”

The situation was finally resolved when quick thinking Big Issue Sales-tart, Hufty Bungle, directed the hapless Yankee-doodle dandies to Highbury Hall… “It was all I could do to get rid of them. They were ranting about red brick gatehouses, so I thought, “Highbury Hall.” Near as damn it anyway. Well, at least they left my patch; they were doing my sales no end of damage, with their chants of “We want some history.” Most peculiar it was too.”

As a result of this confusion, Moseley is currently petitioning the Home Office for the right to change the name of Molesey to anything we want, or failing that, to annex it and move it up to the gap between Moseley and Kings Heath, known as Queensbridge School – more news on this as we get it.

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