Exciting times are ahead of us as St Mary’s Church announces that it’s been given significant amounts of Lottery cash to build Birmingham’s very first sex park. The Church grounds have long been associated with public displays of affection so it seemed only natural to embrace these most basic expressions of humanity and turn them into cash.
The vicar for St Mary’s told us “Essentially I got fed up of the constant baiting from other vicars that reckon all we we’re famous for is people going at it in the graveyard. Well, we’re here to serve the whole community and it’s clear that significant parts of the community can’t keep their trousers on. So our plan is to get a bit of tarmac down over there, knock a hole in the wall and build a ramp into the church yard. It’ll be a bit steep but we’ve been reliably told you should be able to get an old Cortina in there if you keep it in a low gear. Then we throw open the gates and let people express themselves. I’m told we can also get Stan Collymore for about £80.”
The Heritage Lottery fund told us “It’s not the usual thing we fund but really what’s the worst that can happen?”
There has been understandable concern from neighbours. The King Edward Road residents association told us “We’re worried about the smell”.