Moseley Park and Pool have this week launched an investigation after it has become clear to park visitors that the new swan isn’t functioning as expected. It was hoped that the addition of a black swan would be a symbol of Moseley’s rich history of tolerance and inclusivity but instead it has left a bitter taste in the mouth of officials as it has become obvious that it can’t fly.

In a rapidly arranged press conference the Park and Pool told us “We admit that eBay probably isn’t the best place to buy a swan but we spoke to the bloke who used to own it and he reassured us it was pretty well new. He’d told us that in the last park it was always flying about and if anything we’d spend most of our time wondering whether it would ever come down to the ground. Sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case. We are concerned that its fragile psychological state could be affected by the taunting of our somewhat more agile duck population and we’re looking to implement a  system of pastoral support for it.

We only ask that you keep your dogs under control and don’t let them eat it. We will be looking at any redress we can obtain via the small claims court.”