Panic has begun to set into Moseley as Subway remains closed for a third week. What began as an innocuous refurbishment has now taken on the guise of something entirely more sinister as Moseley residents have been denied access to that fresh Subway taste for over twenty one consecutive days.

We’ve been left baffled as each morning those shutters just refuse to open. Cllr Martin Straker-Welds told us “I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I do know I’m not happy about it. Alright you can still get a sandwich at Lewis’s but to be frank I don’t want an artichoke in a bap. I’m a man and I want a man’s sandwich. If I’m going to be spending an afternoon up the Council I’m doing it with a sandwich that is one foot long and full of meat.”

A tearful resident told us “we’re just worried that it’s all a lie and next week there will be another barbers there, how much hair do they think we have?”

Hopefully a contribution from the Muppets can put this into some much needed perspective.