Moseley residents have known for many years that going into Birmingham on a Saturday night is a dangerous course of action, but you don’t usually expect to get blown up by some sort of bomb. A local girl, who’s identity must be protected for National Security reasons, suffered such a fate on Saturday night.

Whilst minding her own business in Birmingham’s bustling town centre, she was surprised to see an old Audi explode before her very eyes. The resultant trauma has now permanently given her a fixed look of surprise. After this harrowing event she joked to us “I know you have to watch those old Audi’s, but you usually only expect the head gasket to go, or even the exhaust to fall off.”

Since the terrorist attack, she has achieved a certain degree of media celebrity, even being asked to give an exclusive interview to “Central News”. When questioned on the reasons behind the attack she told us, “My supportive stance of the Good Friday Agreement has long been known and this looks like another example of men of violence attempting to achieve their ends through non-democratic means.” Although the police believe she was not the intended target, they have warned that it might not be a good idea to be too vocal about the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict.

The one good bit of news to result from this terrifying event is that Birmingham City Council have now recognised the urgent need for professional eye witnesses. In a pilot program, this young girl will now be required to sit in a fast car in the centre of Birmingham from where she can be rushed to events as they happen. This Saturday, she will be witnessing a scuffle in a Kebab shop in Aston and a good old-fashioned ruck in a pub in Northfield.

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