News has reached us that the  imminent closure of the much loved Moseley Baths is all based on a bizarre misunderstanding. As we are all aware, the Leader of Birmingham City Council has predicted the imminent demise of Local Government services using his legendary analogy of the JAWS OF DOOM. Whilst the majority of people obviously know this is a financial prediction based on the gap between future funding and anticipated demand for services it seems this isn’t the understanding of the City Council  Leisure Department.

Instead the Council have carried out a risk assessment based on the 1975 classic film Jaws. A Council spokesman told us:-

“We’ve listened to Sir Albert’s warning and basically we say EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THE WATER. We’ve seen what happened when Amity Island ignored Brody, this will not happen in Birmingham. So we’ve taken the necessary steps of closing all access to large bodies of water.”

The City Council have produced an extensive strategy on water safety which effectively eliminates swimming across the City. The strategy  is not clear on how a large aquatic predator would survive in the heavily chlorinated waters of Moseley Baths.

Our local Councillors who had previously made an election commitment to keep the Baths open at all costs clarified their position in a statement.

“I, as much as anyone, want to keep these historic baths, but if there is even the smallest chance that a child could be ripped to pieces by a massive snapping fish then let’s seal the doors and speak no more about it.”

We understand that  Birmingham City Council have placed a number of bids on Ebay on a “bigger boat”.