The development of the new bridge over the River Rea has been universally recognised as a triumph of civil engineering, but we can now exclusively reveal that it has a  much darker purpose. The twin aims of building the bridge were to guarantee that we had the prettiest little bridge in South Birmingham, but also to act as a civil defence measure to protect Moseley from the middle classes of Stirchley.

In years gone by Stirchley was just the place you visited to buy back your stuff if you got burgled, those days have gone. The international equity crisis has meant that Stirchley has become a place where people really live.

A representative of Moseley’s Civil Defence Committee told us, “We recognised in 2011 that we had to begin considering our western border, we have focussed quite a bit of attention on keeping people from Kings Heath out but given little consideration to the threatening build up in Stirchley and even Cotteridge. The regrettable reality is that these people have got a taste for artisan bread and now they aspire to a life style that Stirchley can’t sustain.

Also, whilst  the new MAC is a bastion of art and entertainment it is like dangling a cultural doughnut in front of a fat kid.

You have to recognise that  our resources our finite, admittedly we have good access to hummus, but it’s our hummus. So we’ve taken steps to protect  it. When the day comes that the middle class hordes of Stirchley descend on us we’ve fitted explosive charges in the base of the bridge. That means they will have to contend with the impenetrable natural barrier that is the River Rea.  This should send a clear message to the people of the West, we don’t want you in Moseley. Unless of course you’ve got a spare 300 grand to buy one of our many empty houses, in that case come on in, make yourself at home.”

We certainly feel safer.