Oi Oi Moseley,
Long time no communicate. You may or may not have noticed that there has been no Eye On Moseley for some time now. That’s because we sold each and every last one of our readers e-mail addresses to large multi-national companies and fucked off on holiday on the proceeds. Only joking. Eye On Moseley is a strictly non-profit organisation which is why it only comes out when we can be bothered. Anyway…enough with the excuses and on with the comedy fun.
I fear if I make my column (snigger snigger ) too much fun, it may break strict new anti-fun laws recently instigated by the shadowy council of elders who run Moseley. Hold on, you may be thinking, what the fuck are you talking about ? I only read this cruddy column (tee hee) to indulge my sociopathic and fascistic whims…so stop wittering and start bittering (you may be thinking). Well here’s what I mean.The place we live (Moseley) is controlled in no small way by a couple of different bodies of people, namely :
Moseley Park and Pool Society
The Moseley Forum
The Moseley Society
Moseley and District Churches Housing Association
These people are responsible for such things as stopping the Wetherspoons pub being opened, they are responsible for those horrible new “Welcome to Moseley : Officially Endorsed By Nicholas George” signs, they’re responsible for the $250,000 waste of space that is called the Village Green and last but by no means least they’re responsible for there being no music at the festival this year. That’s the one that’s really pissed me off. Basically what’s happened is that the Park and Pool people refused to convene a meeting to decide whether the festival should be allowed to go ahead, until some time in August, when it would have been too late to organise everything. This is due (apparently) to some curmudgeonly motherfuckers on Salisbury and Chantry Road (big surprise ) complaining about last years festival. The number of complaints is rumoured to be something in the order of three or four. For a festival attended by something like 1500 people, I would have thought that three or four complaints could quite reasonably be ignored or the offending wankers could be placated somehow. But apparently not. So now we get some sort of “family fun day”. I don’t have a fucking family so why the fuck would I want to go ? I somehow sense that this is the desired effect of this ruling. To keep people like me nicely out of the way, while all the beardy conservatives and their inbred spawn have their faces painted and buy yoghurt crisps.
To be honest, I absolutely hated all the music at all the festivals I went to. But that isn’t the point. It was a great focal point for Moseley, and if someone as anti-community as myself thinks that then I can’t be the only one who believes that. And as poor as some of the entertainment was (remember those performing arts people last year who did their modern dance routine…bless them) everyone I know always had an ace time at the festival. So, you may ask, what the fuck am I meant to do about it ? Do you want to do a petition ? Firebomb Chantry Road tennis club again ? Self-immolate at the “Fucking Family Fun Day” ? Yes. I personally would love to see all of those things happen, but I can’t actually endorse it officially. I just think that people should be aware that their fun is being restricted at a level they probably don’t even know exists.
Saying that, Eye On Moseley will be running some sort of high profile publicity stunt on the day, so if you spot us, why not join us in whatever it is were doing. Probably drinking heavily. Oh and why not join the Moseley e-mail list. It’s desperately boring most of the time, but a good source of information.
( Simon does not endorse seriousness. Next month there will be jokes about wanking. )