It was clear from the beginning that placing security cameras in such a middle class area was always likely to be unpopular. The weight of evidence, from research, indicates that such surveillance is only truly effective when spying on more working class populations. So when people from as far afield as Sparkbrook and Balsall Heath met to show their displeasure at the three million pounds spent on a network of cameras, nobody really expected to have any impact our decision makers.

It is fair to say that almost all of us shocked to hear the news that the police had agreed to turn off their cameras and stop spying on us. There was even a substantial bonus to the local bag industry when it was agreed to cover every single one of the hundreds of different cameras, thus reassuring the public and keeping the cameras warm.

In an unfortunate twist  it now seems that our celebrations might have been entirely premature. The gesture of covering the cameras might actually have been a step too far. It appears that the so called Human Rights Act could also apply to the rights of  camera operators.

A police representative told us, “Ok, it’s a fair point that we didn’t ask anyone before we put them in. To be honest we thought it would be a lovely surprise for everyone. I think I can put my hand on my heart and say that next time we buy you something like this we will ask you first.”

He went on, “The whole bag thing has gone a bit far. I’ve got camera operators that are suffering real distress, it’s inhuman, they can’t see a thing through that thick waterproof fabric. We’ve sought advice and we think it is against the law.”

A dubious legal expert confirmed this for us “Some operators cannot tell whether they are looking up or down and that is effectively torture.  We need consistency. If we don’t let the security services kidnap people and send them to Syria with a hood over them then we can’t do almost exactly the same thing to police employees. They must be removed”

The Safer Birmingham Partnership did confirm for us that none of their employees are currently being tortured in Syria.

They are also looking for someone that wants to buy a couple of hundred very specific bags.

It seems that we’ve now done something to piss the Labour party off. In return for giving them an extra seat for nearly two decades they have rewarded us with Roger Godsiff. Wooo, cheers.

Roger’s campaign seems to have largely consisted of not bothering to visit his prospective constituents.  He doesn’t attend hustings on the tenuous basis that he might come into contact with other parties.

He also seems to have an increasingly bizarre line of leaflets. Probably his most reprehensible being this latest one that claims that the Liberal Democrats want to give paedophiles the vote. This is jaw dropping in its ignorance.

Ignorant in that he doesn’t understand how the European Convention on Human Rights work and ignorant in that he doesn’t recognise that the average Moseley voter probably thinks this is actually a good idea.

It also quite maliciously seems to link pictures of Cllr Jerry Evans with notorious murderers. We are convinced that Jerry has never murdered anyone.

People should note that there a lot of people standing in Hall Green this year and a vote for anyone other than Roger would be a stand against ignorance.

[edit]

It appears the people of the Hall Green Constituency have spontaneously come together to tell Roger they don’t like his dirty campaigning.

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Most people think of Demaines as either the place that sells tasty bacon sandwiches or even the all conquering best takeaway in Moseley in Bloom. Unfortunately this civic mindedness isn’t enough for some people.

It seems that the Moseley Forum, or people linked to them have decided that this isn’t the sort of business they want. They have been reported to Birmingham City Council for an apparent breach of planning law. This breach is to have tables and chairs to sit down on.

As a result if you fancy a nice cup of tea or a bun there is now nowhere to sit down. It seems that similar complaints have also been made about the Java Lounge.

The rank hypocrisy of this is astounding. On the one hand the development of Tesco is opposed because of the impact on small businesses whilst those same people are trying to undermine the businesses they purport to support.

It does make you wonder why anyone would bother to invest time and money in this community when all they get in return is the contempt of our unelected representatives.

Fortunately Cllr Emily Cox is doing her bit to get this resolved and hopefully keep these businesses alive. We’re sure she would appreciate you emailing her your support.

The decision  to change the name of the off licence on St Mary’s Row to Moseley Booze was greeted with typical consternation.  Well heeled residents mobilised in the way that only well heeled residents can. They took to the Council Chamber and made their demands.

The licensing committee to appeared to agree that such a name could only send out the “wrong message”. The compromise of Moseley Wines seemed to satisfy everyone.

Well almost everyone. It quickly became apparent that calling somewhere Moseley Wines would begin to imply that they sold wine. Anyone who has visited the said establishment will know that they don’t really sell wine. They actually sell booze; and plenty of it.

Ironically in an attempt to stop the wrong message being sent out, the powers that be have caused the wrong message to be sent out.

Clearly something had to be done. Using such a controversial name was always likely to sully the good name of Moseley in the minds of visitors. Probably much more than the same off license appearing on national TV selling gas to kids.

Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ bravely exposed a local property developer as being a supporter of the Labour Party in a manner that the highest court in the land said was “completely out of order”. Although this selfless action alerted Moseley residents of some apparently legal building work it has come at a terrifying personal cost.

Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has invested his entire soul in being a Councillor and the removal of his “function” has apparently meant that he is beginning to fade out our reality. A close friend of Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ told us,

“He really really likes being a Councillor, you’ve noticed he’s actually incorporated the word Councillor into his name haven’t you? You know in those videos? When he introduces himself he always says “My name is Councillor Martin Mullaney ™”. I don’t think he was christened that. Though if he was it certainly shows some foresight from his parents. Especially as he seemingly had no interest in politics until recently.

You should have seen him the day he was elected. He went straight out and dyed his hair grey. He said it made him look more statesman like. He was like a very old child.

I’m worried now though. You can literally see straight through him. It’s like now he has no purpose there is no need for him to exist in our world.”

Ironically Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has claimed that some of his more outlandish antics have all been carried out not in his role as a Councillor but as a private citizen. Though this clearly demonstrates an interpretation of the law not shared by lawyers, the courts and, well anyone else it has actually become a reality.

In order to beckon Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ back to our reality people are requested to gather on the Village Green at around 3:00pm on Saturday to chant his name in some sort of creepy ritual. Though you’re probably busy, shopping or painting a fence so don’t worry about it too much.

On a philosophical level Moseley thinkers have been forced to address the difficult concept of whether the piracy of a pirate is by its nature justice or theft. Men with beards will gather to consider this at St Columba’s Hall over the course of the next few days.

In an ill considered statement the management of the Fighting Cocks told us:-

“Of course we’re concerned that a valued part of Moseley history is missing but we know he has a history of self harm and this development is not entirely unexpected. We would like to stress that rumours of some sort of kidnap are entirely unfounded. It is completely untrue that we have been presented with a comprehensive list of demands such as improving our appalling standard of service or trying to make our food edible. Not only have those demands not been made but we wouldn’t meet them if they had. ”

We hope that anyone who has any knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing pirate to come forward and help to bring home. In many ways the timing of this sickening theft could not have been worse. Pirates are inextricably linked to the story of Jesus in much the same way as eggs and rabbits are.

We hope that the perpetrators see sense and honour this most holy of weekends.

With the recent release of House of the Dead 4, Moseley’s very own merchants of death saw a marketing opportunity unlike any other. In a press conference yesterday a representative of Ambler told us:-

“The fear of death is ever present in our older community but we needed to remind younger people that is also a very real possibility for them too. Alright the phenomenal rise in knife criming has helped us to some extent but when you compare it with something like cancer it’s really just dabbling.”

The remarkable cross over been the recently dead and the recently risen from the dead will see a fully functional arcade version of the ground breaking game placed in the chapel of rest. Ideally the recently bereaved will be able to exorcise their demons whilst executing real life demons, albeit ones that aren’t actually real.

As a special one off event Ambler will be holding an open day where young people will be encouraged to come along and touch a dead man.

We would like to reassure all readers that Ambler are still subject to the rules of nature and relatives are extremely unlikely to return to life once taken into the House of Death.

Most people thought that the Festival was an innocent gathering of men with beards. The truth is entirely more worrying. No one would have thought that the conditions  of entry to Moseley Park were more exacting than any deal one could choose to make with Beelzebub himself.

Hidden in the small print it would now appear that the organisers of the festival can make claim to:-

• “All photos taken during the course of the event.
• An annual tithe in cash or equivalent goods.
• On request entrants must give up one non-life sustaining organ.
• Your first born child.”

On Saturday morning the reality of quite what she had signed away become all too apparent. She was visited at home by representatives of Moseley Folk Festival who took her only son. Complaints to the local Police proved fruitless as, it would appear this is all entirely above board.

It is unclear why the organisers have been harvesting children but some claim it is to satiate Richard Thompson’s unquenchable desire for human blood.

She told us, “I’m not completely happy about my only child being eaten by an ageing folk guitarist and I’ve learnt to pay a bit more attention to the small print in the future.”

Readers should be aware that Moseley Folk Festival are likely to round later to see if you have any nice stuff.

Last year the Scientologists stunned Moseley when plans were leaked that they intended to build a temple of evil in the heart of our community. 

One of their more outlandish claims was that they had an army of children on hand to pick up drug paraphernalia. The failure of this promise was put to the test all too graphically last Saturday night.

A local stoner told us “Well we were pretty fucking monged and it was obvious that someone was going to have pick the skins up. I remembered that they had these kids that picked up drug stuff for a living. I thought they’d be able to send round a ten year old to sort it out for us. They seemed quite angry on the phone.”

It would seem that it might not be wise to take everything that the Scientologists say too literally. Though we do have it on good authority that they are right about the lizards that live in the sky.

Recent mutterings seem to indicate that those lucky few with new fangled InternetPhones are less than happy with their providers.

The unhappy truth is that this less than perfect service is probably more down to design than market failure. We can exclusively reveal that restricted multi-media access is now official Moseley policy. 

In a statement read out from afar, some sort of Moseley official told us “Quite frankly it is these so called early adopting creative individuals that are at the very route of everything that is wrong with Moseley. Some years ago they set up here with their vibrant ideas  and started driving our house prices through the roof.”

“We’ve had enough, we say no to posturing nonces with their touch screen technology and intuitive Internet access. We want to get back to traditional values like objecting to planning applications on principle and empty shops.”

It is thought that through organised luddism Moseley could in effect return to 1974. Though we can only pray that this isn’t seen as some sort of an excuse for Turkey to have another pop at the Greeks. That would be a bad thing.